Looking back over the years, as I often do at the beginning of a new year, I take the time to remember the people who have influenced my life, those that have passed and those that have just faded away. Sometimes the feeling of sadness sweeps over me like a gentle wave and I go with it. I let it take me to a place of sadness for just a short time but I choose not to dwell there. Instead I remember the good and the happiness that they have brought to my life. It is only human to feel sadness so I don’t beat myself up over it, I just feel it and make that choice to move past it.
This year I lost the last remaining grandparent I had living. I am sad to have lost him but I am so blessed to have had this much time with him. When I think about it, sometimes I feel that the sense of loss and sadness I feel is more about change than anything. I am not particularly good at change, but I realize that every thing changes no matter how hard we try to avoid it. My grandfather was not always the nicest, most understanding person in the world but he was mine and that made him special. One would describe him as hard-headed and closed-minded,it could only be one way and that was his way.
Two years ago I lost my uncle to lung cancer. He was a wonderfully complicated man who loved his family. We all knew that if we needed something and he could help he would be there. He worked hard all of his life and never fully realized his dreams and that is the saddest thing of all. As I sit here with tears running down my face I can hear his voice telling me “Honey it will be alright” because that is what he did. He was a funny mass of contradictions and everyone that knew him loved him. He is missed in ways that he will never know by people that he never knew that he touched.
There are so many more that I sit here and remember. All of them with wonderful human traits that have made me love them and hate them all at once. Isn’t that what it means to be human? Are we not all full of good and bad? Love and hate walk a fine line you can not have one without the other. Indifference is to be feared that means you do not care and not caring is to be dead inside.
I choose not to be dead inside I will embrace the saddenss and take the chance to love and give it all I have because that is what I am all about. That is what living is all about.